Thoughts of You
by hanjihyun
Summary: It's just a habit of yours to sleep over in my house. It's supposed to be a calming view, but I ended up having thoughts of you, which is quite agonizing sometimes. Also crossposted on my tumblr - jihyun-oppa.


Lately, I've been losing quite much sleep. I'm very used to drinking three shots of espresso to keep me awake and focused on piles of documents I have to take home to prepare for the meetings scheduled on the next day.

But with you, it's very different; the moonlight is now shining on those smooth, silky strands of yours. It's soft, yet much more energizing than the dark-roasted espresso I took last night, when I was in need of you but you couldn't come, because you had to finish your own thesis you're going to defend in the near future.

You can't focus when you're with me, you give all of your attention to me; so do I. But you are my half. Whenever we're apart, I feel very anxious. Especially when you went MIA for seventy-two hours last week. Well, I love the box of roses and the silk tie that you gave me as my birthday present then but you indirectly created havoc in my department because I almost went insane. I told you, "please don't do that again" for so many times after that, but I didn't know whether you listened to me or not.

You're carefree, but caring. You put others before yourself, maybe that's why you're very understanding towards me. But then again, you're very carefree, and kind. Do you have any idea how much I hated it when you comforted Zen in the chatroom and on the phone because he hadn't been offered for a new role for quite some time? He was very flirtatious because well, he is and that's his personality. I know you were just being kind and responsive towards his sugar-coated words, but it hurts just to imagine how strong his gravity is to pull you away from me.

I approach the bed, and stroke your hair to make sure that you're real. Every strand of yours is now touching my nerve endings, telling my brain that you're really here with me. Your usually soft skin is a bit dry, maybe because it's mid January and I turned on the heater. If I turned off the heater, the chilling air will trigger your cold receptors and wakes you up, ruining the serenity you radiate when you sleep.

I wonder if there's something I can do to prevent your skin from drying, because I know how much you hate it when I caress your cheek and I tell you about it, even though the skin will go back to normal once you rub the moisturizer you use in daily basis. You're already buried under multiple blankets, I can tell that you can't be separated from the warmth that is protecting your sleep.

I keep asking myself, "can I be part of the warmth?"

No,

"can I be the warmth that protects you?"

The mattress shakes as you move your body, as I now face your back and your hands are now coming out from the layers of blankets that's been covering you, bare, demanding me to hold your tiny upper extremities. I want to hold you so badly.

It's so hard to contain myself as I have vowed that I wouldn't live together with a woman before I'm pronounced as her legal husband. But I've planned to do so in the very near future, the heart-shaped diamond ring that I put on your right ring finger says it all. You have implied so many times before that you want me, you want me more than just the drunk make out session we did just some days ago.

"Jumin.."

You mumbled my name in your sleep. I was about to leave the room, but you changed my mind.

I sit on the other side of the bed where I can see your face clearly, decorated by your pale strawberry lips that I always love to kiss. You seem to be having a dream. I think it's a good dream, but I don't want any men other than me to run freely in your beautiful, but unpredictable head.

So I take that bare, cold hand that has been coming out from the blanket for quite long.

And you surprisingly pull me, making me fall to the bed, ended up lying down on the bed.

"_? I thought you were asleep..," I can finally see your round, hazel eyes again. They're a bit hazy since you were asleep just seconds ago.

"Jumin.. I had a bad dream…," you're still collecting your consciousness when you talk to me.

I don't want you to feel even the slightest pain, so I embrace you on the bed as a reflex.

"Calm down, Princess.. what is it?"

"Get in the blanket, Jumin.. it's cold..." I didn't realize that I've complemented the layers of duvets with my hands.

I guess you think that my temperature is higher than the duvet, especially when I touch your skin. You need the warmth, and I want to become it. I can't stand it. I can't stand you indirectly demanding for me too long.

The moonlight is now gone, covered by thick clouds that will soon bring the rain, or perhaps snow. The lights in the room are all turned off since it's your habit to sleep in total darkness. I wonder if there's anybody who can watch.. I wonder, is God watching? Or maybe God is purposely letting us immersing into each other's world tonight?

I dare to put myself into the innermost layer of the duvets that you purposely let loose. I want to be the warmth that protects you, yet I find myself soaking in your delicate warmth instead. I hold you tighter, kiss your forehead, and feel very pleased that you care to respond with your beautiful smile even though you're probably half asleep now.

"Jumin..," you mumbled my name again, your head drowns into my chest.

"Kiss me.."

I unconsciously lower my body so my face can face yours. I can feel your breath sneaking through my lips, creating a gravity that pulls my lips onto yours. It's sweet. It's tantalizing. It's challenging. It's crawling through my nerves.

It's exciting, as I now can't contain what I've been holding back ever since I met you for the first time. I was afraid of bothering you, but you surprisingly reply my kiss, with your arms latching on me. My hands shift to your back, holding you tighter as your legs are now around my waist.

You open your eyes again. Albeit you seem so foggy, I can still see my reflection in your diamond eyes. The reflection of me, filled by plenty thoughts of you. Thoughts of your mesmerizing beauty, thoughts of the things that brought us together, thoughts of our past, thoughts of you staying with me until God put one of us to eternal sleep,

and thoughts of you leaving me. Disturbing, but probable. You've seen my flaws, and you're always very tolerant about it. I'm such a lucky man to have someone as patient as you to be in my life, yet I always wonder, what if my luck runs out? What if you actually hate me and hold back all of your thoughts of my weaknesses? What if you can't actually live with it?

What do I do, if I have to live without you?

"Jumin, you're still alive, aren't you"

You pinch my nose to clarify yourself. I chuckle.

"You're always funny, Princess..," I said. Then you smile, pressing your lips on the gaping mine. It's complicating my thoughts as they start to stimulate my lacrimal gland, dropping little drops of salty water on my cheeks, which makes her brows furrow.

"Darling what is it?" Her small fingers wipe the tears on my cheek that I'm trying to hold back. It's really hard. Having my emotion burst is very annoying.

I don't want to make you worry like that. I snake both my arms over your back until you can't see my ugly frown. Being around you actually makes it easier for me to calm down, despite of the worries and many other thoughts are still lurking in my head.

"_," I try hard not to sound helpless. "Please don't leave me," said I as this familiar sensation of anxiety haunts me back, after months I've thought I've secured my place in your heart.

However, my fears are followed by your light, cute laughter.

"Jumin, no! Haha!"

Confusion and relief mixed together, both gazing into what seems to be happiness that you're reflect, no, that you've been reflecting ever since you popped up into my previously bland and monochrome life.

"Don't you dare to leave me too, Mr. Director! You might be able to get anything in life, but don't enter my dream and suddenly make out with Zen in front of me!"

Wow, I never expected that coming. You did mention that you were having a nightmare, though. It was upsetting, but considering it's _you_ who said it, I think it's safe to say that it's quite hilarious as well.

I bitterly chuckled and sighed for a while before replying you.

"Such a bad girl, aren't you? What kind of wild fantasy have you been imagining?"

Also crossposted on .com

It's been years since the last time I wrote I basically have bid my writing skills farewell,

feedback is very welcome!


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